Your Partner's Drinking Problem

As in past blogs, I’m going to present a challenge from the card game called “Bounce Back” which is now being developed into an electronic game that can be played off of the Internet. The game is a tool that we have been using in teaching the skills and the attitudes of resilience. It is a serious game that asks you to apply the skills and the attitudes of resilience to a specific challenge and describe how you would respond to that challenge using these skills. Just like life, we don’t know what challenges we will be dealt.

This one relates to your relationship with your spouse. You are convinced that he/she has a serious drinking problem. You have covered for your spouse when he or she has been late for work. You have done other things that you later feel bad about having done. You’re losing your temper frequently and having difficulty managing the house and the children. The problem with your spouse’s drinking is clearly affecting you and the entire family.

Here are some suggestions. These are only suggestions. Everyone is different. One size does not fit all. But before you review these, give some thought to just what skills or attitudes of resilience you think you might apply in this situation.

First of all, we would suggest that you take control of your feelings. Blowing up and making threats that you will not keep is not going to be helpful. Neither is remaining silent and becoming depressed. Manage how you are feeling.

When you’ve got some control over your feelings, make a realistic plan to deal with the situation and take steps to carry out your plan. Communication will be an important part of finding a solution to the problem. Again this is a problem that affects you and the entire family. You may find that you have to confront yourmspouse to break through the denial that often accompanies a problem with heavy drinking or drug use.

Take care of yourself in this process. If you’re getting depressed, if you’re having a problem controlling your temper, it is understandable that you might. But connect with others who can provide support to you and help you think through how you will deal with this situation and who can support you in carrying through with whatever actions you decide to take. You will not be very effective in taking care of others if you cannot take care of yourself.

We would encourage you to talk with others about this challenge. Ask them what they would do if they were in your situation. If you value their opinion and their direction, use it. They may also suggest other resources that you can tap into, such as AA and substance abuse programs in your area. Al-Anon is also a resource that you can use to help you understand more about the problem and to get the support that you need.