Losing the Numbers Person

Here is another challenge from BOUNCE BACK a serious game of mental toughness and resilience. The game should be available in late summer/early fall.

So here is the challenge. You are divorced. You have been divorced for just a few months. Your ex-spouse was a numbers person, the one who handled the finances in the marriage. You weren’t involved in that to the degree that maybe you should have been. This is one of the issues that possibly led up to your separation and divorce. You’re on your own now, and your salary must be managed intelligently. How would you use the skills and the attitudes of resilience to do this?

Obviously, you need to connect with others and others that can perhaps teach you or guide you in developing a budget and managing your finances. One of the ways to deal with stress is to simply develop the skills and the attitudes that you need to make the situation less stressful. Make a plan. Get some help in thinking about your finances. Communicate. Talk with others about how they manage a budget. All of this requires that you are willing to admit that you don’t have all the answers and you don’t have all the skills that you need to do this.

So make a plan and take action to carry it out. And deal with whatever feelings may come up, such as embarrassment. You can’t deal with the situation or seek assistance unless you’re willing to admit that there is a problem and that you may lack some of the knowledge or skill required to deal with it.

You may also find that as you are attempting to do this, a lot of old feelings will come up about the marriage and the divorce. Deal with those. You may need to talk about them. But first of all, you need to admit that they exist, if they do.

There are other ideas that you may have and others may have about how to deal with this situation. Consider the other skills and the attitudes of resilience and how they might apply. Think this through and talk with others. We all have problems managing our money quite often, and we all need some help sometimes in being able to make a budget and to improve our skills in this area. Communication with others will be a key in responding to this challenge. Managing the feelings that come up around doing this will also be important, as well as finding good advisers and others who can help you learn the skills of money management. Make a plan and carry it out.

We will present another challenge in our next blog.

The Immigrant: How resilience can help immigrants adapt

We are a nation built by immigrants. Many in our society seem to have forgotten this. Giving up one’s home and trying to make a new home in a country far away and unfamiliar is a difficult process. The skills and attitudes of resilience are certainly key to being able to make a successful transition. 

In past months, we have been presenting challenges and discussing possible ways of dealing with them, using the skills and the attitudes of resilience. The challenges are from a game, a serious game, that teaches these skills and attitudes called Bounce Back. We hope to have a final electronic version of Bounce Back out by the end of this summer. So, as we have done in previous blogs, assume that you are in the situation that we will describe and then detail how you will deal with the challenge that the situation presents.
You have newly arrived in this country and you’re trying hard to learn English. You’re taking a class and getting some tutoring, but it doesn’t seem to be enough. Your reading skills are improving, but you still have difficulty understanding the announcers on television or the radio. You’re embarrassed when you have to ask people to repeat themselves. Your friends often pretend to understand, even when they don’t.
What are the skills and the attitudes of resilience that will help you master the new language and deal with others regarding your challenges in learning English?
Over the past year, I have had the opportunity to work with the immigrant community in Portland. Many are seeking asylum from persecution in other countries, specifically Africa. They have taught me a lot about the skills and the attitudes of resilience that they have applied to deal with moving to Maine and trying to make a life in our country. One of the key elements and skills is being able to connect with others. Being able to establish relationships and friendships and being able to seek the assistance of others in succeeding in this transition.
Another skill and attitude that many have difficulty with is being able to recognize and deal with the feelings that they have which are very understandable. It is a fear-provoking process to find yourself in a foreign land and to not be able to speak the language. Recognizing and dealing with these strong feelings is key to being able to succeed in a new country. Communication is critical. And that, of course, is the problem that you are going to have to overcome in a new country is you must learn the language if you are going to be able to establish yourself and make a successful life for yourself in a new world.
While you are doing this, it is important to keep in mind the bigger picture. This is a transition. This is temporary. It will not be permanent. You will learn the language. You will connect with others. You will succeed.
And, of course, blaming yourself is not helpful. English is a very difficult language to learn. Some of us, especially the young, have an easier time of it than older adults. Give yourself a break. Blaming yourself and being angry with yourself is not going to help you to succeed.
Like persons with a disability, individuals who have faced adversity, such as persecution in their home country and survived, have learned a great deal about resilience. Many of the skills they have used there are the same as the ones that they will use to make a new life in this country .
We’re sure that there are other ideas that you may have or others may have about how to deal with the situation and apply the skills and the attitudes of resilience. We would encourage you to talk with others about this challenge and how they might deal with the situation. Connecting with others, communicating, dealing with your feelings, and keeping a positive perspective are critical to being able to deal with this challenge.
We will present another challenge in our next blog.

Oxycodone

As I have done in previous  blogs I'm going to present a challenge from the card game "Bounce Back." Your job is to list the skills and attitudes of resilience that you would use in dealing with the challenge. Describe how you would respond to the challenge using these skills.

This one relates to your child and to the oxycodone prescription that you were given for your back pain.

You receive a call from the assistant principal at your child's school informing you that your child is been suspended and that the police were contacted because a prescription bottle of oxycodone with your name on it was found in your child's possession. How would you use the skills and attitudesof resilience to deal with this situation?

Take some time and think about this and about what skills and attitudes you might apply. Try to put yourself into the situation and think through exactly what steps you would take in dealing with it.

Here are some of our suggestions about ways that you might deal with the situation. Again these are only suggestions. Every situation is different, as is every person. We're sure that there are other ideas that you may have or others may have about how to deal with the situation and how other skills and attitudes of resilience could be applied. We would encourage you to think this through and to talk with others about how they would deal with a similar challenge.

First, we believe you might have some very strong feelings about what has just happened but you need to get control of these feelings if you are going to deal with the situation and with your child and with school and the police. Vent some of the anger and fear that you understandably may have. Take a deep breath. Call someone who can listen to you for a minute. They don't have to solve the problem they just need to listen. So connecting with others dealing with your feelings may be the first step in dealing with the situation.

Go to the school. Talk with the assistant principal and the police and with your child. Develop a realistic plan for dealing with the situation. This is a complicated situation. There's a lot of information that you may need that you may not have. Think don't just react. Involve others like your partner, other family members and friends who can help. And keep managing all the feelings that may come up through this process.

Again you may have come up with other skills and attitudes that you would apply in the situation. As we said earlier every situation and every individual is different. We would encourage you to think this through and to talk with others about how they have dealt with a similar challenge or how they feel l they would deal with such a challenge.

Over the years in using this game, we have found that it encourages people to really think about what they would do in a specific situation and requires them to actually demonstrate how they would apply the skills in the attitudes of resilience to the challenge.

So talk about it with others. We will present another challenge in our next post.

Rain

As I have done in past blogs, I'm going to present a challenge from the card game called Bounce Back. The game is a tool that we have been using in teaching the skills and the attitudes of resilience. It is a "serious game" that ask you to apply the skills and attitudes of resilience to a specific challenge and describe how you would respond to that challenge using these skills. Just like life, we don't know what challenge we will be dealt.
Here's one that relates to the weather: rain and lots of it.
It has been raining all day. You leave work early so that you can get home in time for the birthday party that your wife is been planning for your eight-year-old. You're almost there, and as you top the hill, you see that the road at the bottom is flooded. Cars have stopped. Some of turned around. But you have no other way quickly home. You will be late at least an hour if you take the alternative route. What do you do?
Take some time and think about this and what skills and attitude you might apply in the situation.
Here are some of the suggestions about ways that you might deal with the situation. Again, these are only suggestions. Every situation is different, as is every person.
First, we would encourage you to calm down and to think clearly about what you're going to do. That means managing all those feelings that may have come up as you realize that you may be dealing with a disappointed eight-year-old, with an angry wife. So take a deep breath and calm down.
Clearly you need to communicate with your family. Let them know your situation. They may be able to help you think about what the best plan is which. Make a realistic plan and carry it out.
Lastly, we would suggest that you look at the big picture. Your family want you to get home safely. There will be other birthday parties. And being late for this one may create some disappointment, but it may ensure that you will be around for the next one. Take care of yourself.
We have found over the years that using this game and its challenges encourages people to really think about what they would do in a specific situation and requires them to actually demonstrate how they would apply the skills in the attitudes of resilience to the challenge. Put yourself in the situation. Think through what you would actually say to your wife or to your eight-year-old.
We would encourage you to talk about this challenge with others. Asked them what they would do and if you value their opinion in their direction asked them to coach you.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

In the last couple of months we have been presenting some challenges and  discussing some possible ways of dealing with them using the skills and attitudes of resilience. These challenges are part of a game called "Bounce Back" that we developed a few years ago to teach the skills and attitudes of resilience. We are finalizing the electronic version of "Bounce Back"  that can be played off of a website that will present these challenges to players and provide them with some immediate feedback regarding the skills and the attitudes of resilience that we think might be useful in responding to the challenge.

So again in this blog, assume that you are playing "Bounce Back" and you have just been dealt this challenge.

Your company commander calls you into his office and tells you he is worried about you and possible post-traumatic stress disorder. He gives you a direct order to see the base mental health officer. You begin to argue, but he cuts you off. How would you deal with the situation using the skills on the attitudes of resilience?

For the sake of this challenge we would assume that you have been in the military for a number of years and perhaps served a couple of tours of duty overseas. We would assume that at least one of these may have been in Afghanistan or Iraq.

As I've said in previous blogs, everyone is different and what we're going to give you now are just suggestions as to the skills and attitudes that you might think about applying to the situation.

This challenge requires that you take a close look at yourself. Unfortunately, human beings often lie to other people, but more frequently lie to themselves. We often deny the problems that we have and sometimes even project them onto other people. What has just happened with your company commander may clearly bring up some feelings in you. Members of our Armed Forces often don't seek help for the problems they know they may have because of fear and stigma associated with doing so. Those who live with you 24/7 may know things about you you don't know about yourself. This may be a time to listen rather than argue; to ask questions rather than to dismiss or deny.

Connect with others. Talk with others. What do they see that you don't. What do you see and feel that you have been unwilling to admit? This is about taking care of yourself. Hopefully you will follow through with the Commander's orders. You will probably be in a great deal of difficulty if you don't. Be honest with the mental health officer and with yourself. Make a realistic plan to deal with this issue and follow through.

We are sure that there are other ideas that you may have or others may have about how to deal with the situation and how the other skills and attitudes of resilience could be applied. We would encourage you to think this through and to talk with others about how they have dealt with a similar situation or how they believe they would deal with a similar challenge. Communication will be key in responding to this challenge. Don't behave as if you're 10-feet tall and bulletproof. You're not.

We will present another challenge in our next post.

Ronald L BREAZEALE PhD

Author: Reaching Home and First Night

Co-Workers

As we did in the last blog, I presented a challenge from the card game called “Bounce Back” that is a tool that we have been using for teaching the skills and the attitudes of resilience.  This is a “serious game” that asks you to apply the skills and the attitudes of resilience to a specific challenge and describe how you would respond to that challenge using these skills.  Just like life, we don’t know what challenge we will be dealt.
Here’s one that relates to co-workers.
You’ve never gotten along well with one of your co-workers.  Your job has changed recently and now you must work with this person each day.
How can you use the skills and the attitudes of resilience to deal with this person and manage this situation?
Take some time and think about this and about what skills and attitudes you might apply in this situation.  We would assume that you may need the job and you might not want or be able to just quit.
Here are some of our suggestions about ways that you might deal with this situation.  Again, these are only suggestions.  Every situation is different, as is every person.
First of all, we would think that you might want to do a lot of communicating and talking, perhaps, with your supervisor about the problem and with friends and family about what suggestions they might have for you in dealing with the situation.  So we would assume that connecting with others and communication would be critical.  We would also assume that perhaps trying to talk with this person would be a good idea too.  This might require you being flexible and being willing to do something that doesn’t come easy, perhaps getting outside of your comfort zone doing this.  We would also assume that you would need to deal with the feelings that you may have developed over time regarding this person.  Otherwise, the feelings may get in the way of you being able to find a solution.  We would assume that doing some problem solving talk with others might help you to develop a plan for managing this situation and being able to make life more comfortable for yourself and for your co-worker.  We’re sure that there are other ideas that you may have or others may have about how to deal with this situation and how the other skills and the attitudes of resilience we haven’t mentioned might apply.  We would encourage you to think this through and to talk with others about how they would deal with a similar challenge.
We have found over the years in using this game that it encourages people to really think about what they would do in a specific situation and requires them to actually demonstrate how they would apply the skills and the attitudes of resilience to the challenge.
So talk about it with others.  Ask them what they would do and, if you value their opinion and their direction, ask them to coach you.  We’ll present another challenge in our next post.



Ronald L. Breazeale, Ph.D.

Chronic Illness: Part 2

Chronic Illness: Part 2

Managing an emotional or physical illness requires resilience. Unfortunately, the very nature of these disorders sometimes makes it very hard for the patient to exercise the skills and the attitudes of resilience.

Coping with a brain injury is difficult no matter what level of support one has. The very nature of a head injury usually involves a loss of control, not just over physical functions, but over emotional ones as well. Dyscontrol is one of the hallmarks of a brain injury, meaning that people have difficulty regulating their thought and their feelings and emotions. If recovering from a brain injury, often the patient will engage in perseverative behavior. Perseveration is again one of the factors that make management of a head injury difficult. People get stuck. They have difficulty letting go of a particular thought or idea. They may behave in a repetitive fashion, may continue to attempt to do something in the same way over and over again, even though their behavior is not being effective. This results usually in increased rigidity and more frustration and anger. 

Learning to control perseveration and to be “flexible” is a difficult process for most people with a head injury.  But with time and patience, new coping skills can be learned and people can learn with a brain injury to be more flexible, to try in new and different ways to solve a problem and to gain control over their emotions and their world.

Other chronic illnesses such as cancer can make it very hard to exercise the skills and the attitudes of resilience. In the face of a devastating illness, optimism can be hard to come by. Inadequate insurance coverage and medical debt, which is the number one cause of bankruptcy in this country, can be overwhelming and people can sink into feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. These are times when finding a sense of purpose and direction is crucial.

I have learned from many of my patients that with time, patience and support can change things for the better. A chronic illness doesn’t have to change every aspect of your life, and the changes that occur may not be permanent. There is much wisdom in the saying, “This, too, will pass,” and blaming yourself or others for your troubles never makes things any better.

Many of the patients that I have seen with chronic illnesses over the years tell me that the one thing that was essential for them to continue moving forward, to continue battling the cancer, or learning new coping strategies was a sense of purpose, a reason for doing it. They may have found that sense of purpose through their religious beliefs or through their family, their work or their friends. But they found it. And through that they found resilience and the ability to bounce back from adversity.

Chronic Illness

Managing a chronic illness, either physical or emotional, requires resilience. Unfortunately, the nature of the illness can severely impair a person’s ability to apply the skills and the attitudes of resilience. For example, a severe emotional disorder, such as schizophrenia, makes communicating and connecting with others a difficult task. Distrust and paranoia often accompany the disorder. Instead of relationships being a source of support, they can be a source of fear and aversion.
Emotional control may be an extremely difficult chore for the patient, and feelings may fluctuate from one extreme to the other. Dr. Paul Meehl identified chronic ambivalence as one of the hallmarks of the disorder. These strong feelings may be extremely hard to manage. Even with antipsychotic medications, patients may still have difficulty thinking clearly and reasoning in a logical and rational fashion. Feeling confident in yourself and secure in a world that is distorted by a thought disorder is very challenging, to say the least.
But as I write this, I recall two of the patients that I worked with for many years who have been struggling with the disorder most of their lives. It has been an extremely rocky road for them, but both have learned to manage their illness in different ways. One has learned to do this by accepting the reality that the psychotropic medication can help in controlling his thought and should be taken as prescribed. He has also learned that he needs to have some basic trust and check reality out with a therapist on a regular basis. It has been a difficult process, but over the years he has gotten better at taking care of himself and feeling confident in his ability to manage his life.
My second patient, who is a very bright and creative woman, has learned to use her brightness and her thinking, although at times distorted, to better control her emotions. This has allowed her in the last few years to have less difficulty with the police and other authority figures in the community, to reconcile with her daughter and to live in a supportive relationship with her family. It is also worth noting that both patients have learned to use their sense of humor, admittedly somewhat bizarre at times by my perception, in dealing with the world.
In the next blog I will talk more about chronic illness; specifically, chronic physical illnesses and physical disabilities such as brain injury.

How resilient are we really?

I’ve been doing workshops in resilience since 2007. I have often found that when we present the skills and the attitudes of resilience, most people can immediately identify with them and many people indicate that, yes, they can and do apply the skills. No problem, they say. But applying the skills and the attitudes of resilience involves more than just being able to list them and define what they are. It means being able to apply them to specific situations.
As I have indicated a number of times in these blogs over the years, we have used storytelling as a way of teaching the skills and the attitudes of resilience. A novel, in particular, can be an excellent tool for teaching these skills, and we have used Reaching Home and now First Night as tools for teaching these skills and attitudes.  This tends to work well and we encourage people to tell their own stories about how they’ve dealt with situations in their life and what skills and attitudes of resilience they’ve used.
A few years ago we developed a card game called “Bounce Back” and have used it in the training over the last few years. The game asks participants to respond to a challenge card that they have drawn from the deck of challenges. Like life, we never know what card we will be dealt. Participants must then respond with the skills and the attitudes that they would use in dealing with the challenge that they have received. In some cases we have imposed a time limit on response, creating another pressure that they have to deal with in responding. We have also asked participants to describe exactly how they would use the skill and the attitude that they have chosen from the list of skills and attitudes that we have reviewed in this blog. We have found this as a very useful tool, because it requires people to demonstrate how they would utilize the skills and the attitudes of resilience.
As I have mentioned over the last year and a half, we have been developing this hardcopy card game into an electronic card game. In the game participants are dealt a challenge that they must respond to. They must use the skills and the attitudes of resilience and they must describe in detail how they would apply them to the specific challenge. This is a game that will be played over the Internet from a website that we are developing. After the participant responds to the challenge, a dropdown box appears and describes the skills and the attitudes that we think might have been useful for them to apply in dealing with the challenge that they responded to. Players can hold their responses and be coached on their responses either in real time or, if they save their responses, later. We believe this is an excellent tool for helping people to develop and use the skills and the attitudes of resilience.
In the next blog I’m going to give you a demonstration of how this works by presenting a challenge and then describing how we would suggest that it might be dealt with. Again, these are only suggestions of skills and attitudes of resilience that might apply. Every situation is different, as is every person. So tune in in a couple of weeks and we’ll present a challenge and discuss the skills and the attitudes that might be applied to dealing with the challenge.

Your Job

In the next few months I’m going to be presenting some challenges and then discussing some possible ways of dealing with them using the skills and the attitudes of resilience. These challenges are part of a game called “Bounce Back” that we developed a few years ago to teach the skills and the attitudes of resilience. We are in the process of creating an electronic “Bounce Back” that can be played over a website that will present these challenges to players and provide them with some immediate feedback regarding the skills and the attitudes of resilience that we think might be useful in responding to the challenge.
So let’s assume that you are playing “Bounce Back” and you have just been dealt this challenge:
Because of your job, you are repeatedly missing activities that your children are involved in, such as Little League games and dance recitals. Your boss e-mails you at home. You’re working long hours and you spend a great deal of time apologizing and trying to explain why you’re not able to leave the office earlier.
How would you use the skills and the attitudes of resilience in dealing with the challenge?
As I have said previously, everyone is different and what we are going to give you now are just suggestions as to the skills and the attitudes that you might apply to the situation that’s just been described. First of all, we assume that it might be good to try to talk with your boss and especially with the other people in your life about the conflict that you are facing. Communication would be one of the critical skills to use in dealing with this challenge. We also would assume that you might have some feelings about what’s going on and would need to manage those too. Again, communicating about those and venting them might be a good idea. Flexibility would also be useful in trying to develop a plan and a solution to dealing with the situation that you are confronting. Stepping back a bit and reviewing the priorities in your life and looking at what’s really important might also help you make some decisions and develop a plan of action. And, obviously, after you’ve developed a plan of action and talked with others and looked at what’s important in your life, doing something is going to be critical. Hopefully, after communicating with others and developing a plan, you may feel more confident that you can now deal with the situation.
As I said earlier, these are only suggestions, and we would suggest that you think through if and how you might apply them. There might be other skills that you think you could apply or other ways you might want to approach this situation. Again, every situation is different, as is every individual confronting a challenge.
In our next blog we’ll take another challenge and discuss the skills and the attitudes of resilience that might be useful in managing it.

The Storm

As Mother's Day approached this year I began to think more about my mom. She died three years ago just a few months before I began doing this blog for Psychology Today. A number of my first blogs about resilience were about her and her struggle with macular degeneration and eventual blindness. In the last few years of her life I learned much about resilience from her struggles. But I learned a lot about resilience from her before I could spell the word.

One of my earliest memories of her was when I was four or maybe five. I was playing out in our backyard. It was a hot summer afternoon.I had hardly noticed that the sun had gone behind the clouds and that the wind was getting stronger. Suddenly she was standing next to me. She took my arm and said we needed to go inside the house. I started to make my usual protest but stopped. The expression on her face told me that I should do exactly what she said.

We hurried into our home. My mom closed all the windows and the shutters. We laid down on top of the big wooden bed in my father and mother's room. She pulled me close to her as she peered out through a slit in the shutters at the dark cloud that was approaching our small community. I didn't know about tornadoes but she did. It was hot. Very hot. I felt I could hardly breathe. The wind blew louder. The shutters and  windows rattled. The rain came, beating hard against the roof and the windows. My mom pulled me closer. But in the middle of the storm I felt safe. I fell asleep.

When I woke the air was cool. The windows were open. The storm had passed. My mom sat on the edge of the bed. She smiled at me. We were safe.

Chronic Illness

Chronic ambivalence can affect the healing process.

Managing a chronic illness, either physical or emotional, requires resilience. Unfortunately, the nature of the illness can severely impair a person’s ability to apply the skills and the attitudes of resilience. For example, a severe emotional disorder, such as schizophrenia, makes communicating and connecting with others a difficult task. Distrust and paranoia often accompany the disorder. Instead of relationships being a source of support, they can be a source of fear and aversion.

Emotional control may be an extremely difficult chore for the patient, and feelings may fluctuate from one extreme to the other. Dr. Paul Meehl identified chronic ambivalence as one of the hallmarks of the disorder. These strong feelings may be extremely hard to manage. Even with antipsychotic medications, patients may still have difficulty thinking clearly and reasoning in a logical and rational fashion. Feeling confident in yourself and secure in a world that is distorted by a thought disorder is very challenging, to say the least.

But as I write this, I recall two of the patients that I worked with for many years who have been struggling with the disorder most of their lives. It has been an extremely rocky road for them, but both have learned to manage their illness in different ways. One has learned to do this by accepting the reality that the psychotropic medication can help in controlling his thought and should be taken as prescribed. He has also learned that he needs to have some basic trust and check reality out with a therapist on a regular basis. It has been a difficult process, but over the years he has gotten better at taking care of himself and feeling confident in his ability to manage his life.

My second patient, who is a very bright and creative woman, has learned to use her brightness and her thinking, although at times distorted, to better control her emotions. This has allowed her in the last few years to have less difficulty with the police and other authority figures in the community, to reconcile with her daughter and to live in a supportive relationship with her family. It is also worth noting that both patients have learned to use their sense of humor, admittedly somewhat bizarre at times by my perception, in dealing with the world.

In the next blog I will talk more about chronic illness; specifically, chronic physical illnesses and physical disabilities such as brain injury.

Dr. Ron Breazeale

Partisan Politics - Part 4

Government needs to be strong & resilient

So what’s to be done about the partisan politics that is destroying the system we depend on—our government? There are some hopeful signs, people. Politicians seem to realize that the American people may be getting tired of negative campaigning and the paralysis and gridlock of their government. People want something to happen. They want things to move in a direction and hopefully they will during the next two years. The American people need to realize that things are difficult enough without us inflicting more harm on ourselves and our government. Honestly holding people accountable for their behavior is a good thing. Lying about and blaming your opponent for all the negative things that are going on in this world is not a good thing.

We need for our government to be strong and resilient. We need for those in charge of our government to practice the skills and the attitudes of resilience with each other.  This means that opponents need to connect with each other and be willing to communicate in a positive fashion and that both sides need to be more flexible than they have been willing to be.

We need to develop realistic plans and carry them out. Communication needs to be constructive. Strong feelings are good and passion a very good thing, but venting them and discharging them in negative and destructive ways should not be tolerated.

The American people need to regain confidence in themselves and in their government. We need to get back to remembering and acting on the values that this country was built upon. We need to realize that what is going on now will pass, that this is temporary, not permanent, and that it does not have to be pervasive and affect all the aspects of our lives. Blaming is not going to be helpful in moving us forward. We need to develop a sense of humor and be able to look at ourselves and how outrageously we may have behaved in the past few years.

All of this should go a long way to reducing the level of stress that we feel and that we have inflicted upon others around us. This change should also allow us to take a broader view of our world and to be more with the needs of others. We are all in this together, and if we destroy the system and infrastructure that holds us together, serves us and protects us, we will all suffer that loss.

Dr. Ron Breazeale

Partisan Politics Part Three

Are we losing faith and confidence in the present political system?

Partisan politics and negative campaigning are often motivated by very strong negative feelings of anger and fear regarding the other side who are seen as the adversary.  These feelings are often vented not in a very positive way, but through negative behavior focused on discrediting and destroying the opponent.

Feelings of anger and frustration with those you disagree with need to be discharged and vented, but not in a negative fashion. Asserting your position in a positive way can be a good thing. Expressing it in an aggressive and hostile fashion often only results in more of the same, and the paralysis of the system and the organization in which it is occurring.

One of the things that was obvious in the mid-term elections was that people have lost faith and confidence in the present political system. They are tired of nothing being done. They’re fed up with gridlock and paralysis. Unfortunately, the American people have lost a good deal of confidence in themselves as well. Confidence in yourself and the organization that you are a part of is one of the best buffers against fear and anxiety. The loss of confidence explains to some degree the increase in anxiety and fear in this country.

Another thing that happens when paralysis and rigor mortis sets in is that people begin to question where they and their country are going. Nothing seems to be happening. There seems to be no point and no direction. This, again, undermines the sense of confidence that people have in the organization that they are working in and are a part of. People need to feel that they have a direction and that they and the organization or group that they are a part of is acting in a way that is consistent with their values.  Clearly, in the recent elections the feeling was that many of the politicians and both of the political parties were not doing this.

Unfortunately, all of the above encourages people to feel that what is happening is going to be a permanent state of affairs and that its effect is going to be pervasive on them and their government. Partisan politics, as we have said, encourages blaming.  All of this can end up with people feeling pretty pessimistic about the future and contribute to people feeling depressed and increasingly angry and unhappy with their government, their lives and each other.

There is also a lack of real humor in partisan politics. Political cartoons, although sometimes quite creative, are usually aimed at discrediting the opponent and making fun of the opposition. When Paul LePage, Maine’s controversial governor, was reelected, the political cartoonist at our local paper drew a cartoon of himself celebrating the election, indicating that he would have another four years of LePage antics to do cartoons about.

Partisan politics is stressful for everyone involved, both for those who are being attacked and those who are attacking. I don’t know that much good ever really comes out of attacking and putting another person down and being negative and saying no certainly doesn’t end up with us doing much to take care of others who need our assistance. Partisan politics is focused on me, me, me, and my side and no one else.  It does not encourage people to be inclusive or to be concerned with the needs or the feelings of others who differ from us. As I have said a number of times in this blog, taking care of others is one way in which we build and maintain our own resilience.

Partisan Politics Part 2

The 'with me or against me' mentality

The “you’re either for me or against me” mentality does not encourage people to connect with others who have a different opinion or idea about how to do things. It does not encourage compromise or constructive debate with people who see things differently. By doing this, it often prevents creative solutions from being found to problems that are common to both groups.

Planning often is stifled and nothing happens. Plans that are made are often rejected out of hand by the other side and never carried out. It doesn’t take much effort to say no.  Witness the Republicans’ stand on Obamacare. They have yet, however, to introduce a clear plan that would be an alternative.

Communication when the lines are drawn so tightly often consists only of  threats and accusations directed at the other side. There is little in the way of constructive communication. Team problem solving is not encouraged, but discouraged. Compromise is a no-no. Again, nothing happens. Paralysis.

The skills and the attitudes of resilience that we have just reviewed, making a connection with other people, flexibility, developing realistic plans and taking action and effective communication are all undermined or negated by the kind of  partisan politics that exists.

Dr. Ron Breazeale

Partisan Politics

Negative campaigning works

The mid-term elections reminded me of the old movie, Network,  in which the character television news anchor Howard Beale was "mad as hell and not going to take it anymore.” He managed to get a huge following of people who were also “mad as hell and not going to take it anymore.” And they, like Beale, found someone to blame for all of their problems.

Unfortunately, since 911 it seems that many politicians have decided that they can mobilize support by capitalizing on the fear and anger of the electorate. Witness all of the negative ads that millions and millions of dollars were spent on this time.

And, unfortunately, partisan politics and negative campaigning works. It works to get the politician elected. But at the same time, I believe strongly that it undermines the resilience of the system in which it is practiced. The “for me or against me” mentality doesn’t make the system work any better.  It paralyzes it and will eventually destroy it. If that’s your goal, then using these tactics works very well. If the organization that you’re destroying is a corporation, perhaps you can jump ship and find another host. However, the organization that we are destroying in this country is our government.

In the next few blogs, I would like to discuss how partisan politics and negative campaigning is counter to sustaining the resilience of the system - our government - that we depend on to fix our roads, deliver our mail, protect us from foreign foes, and so many other concerns.

Dr. Ron Breazeale

Single Parenting

The upside and downside of going it alone

First, let me make it clear that I do not feel that single parenting is aversive.  It doesn’t have to be, but it does have its challenges. It has a lot to do with whether single parenting was your first choice. If it was not your choice and you lost a partner, either through death or divorce, there is grieving that needs to be done, both by you and by your children. This is something that is especially difficult for a parent to do when they’re dealing with their own grief. Having a support network of friends or family that can help you with this and can provide support for you and your children can hopefully make the whole process less painful.

And there are certainly rewards to single parenting. Single parents and their children often develop closer relationships because they are forced to depend upon each other more. Children often learn to take more responsibility for themselves and for others through this process.

But parenting is a lot of work. It is certainly good to have someone who can share the burden and the load with you. And, yes, at times it feels like a burden. This doesn’t have to be a spouse or a partner. It can be a close friend or a relative.

I am certainly not suggesting that couples stay together for “the sake of the children.” The research on that one is pretty clear. If a couple is in constant conflict, even the children often support their parents’ separating and divorcing. But I am advocating that if you are married, especially a young couple, and are having difficulty, hang in there and try to work things out if you can. Get some help. If you do divorce, try to keep the channel of communication open between you and your ex regarding your children. In almost all cases, it is a good idea to encourage your ex to have contact with the children. Try not to become involved in endless legal tangles regarding custody and visitation. This will only put more stress on your children as well as you and your ex-partner.

No matter how much anger and hurt you may feel with your ex, it is wise not to talk your ex-partner down with your children. Even if what you’re saying is true, the messenger carrying the bad news is often the one who suffers in the end.

So, good luck, if you’re a parent, single or not, you will need it.

Dr. Ron Breazeale

Encouraging Resilience of Our Children In Difficult Times

Is media encouraging pessimism in our children?

As I discussed in my previous blog, these are difficult times and, unfortunately, much of the information that we have been being bombarded with through the different media outlets is not helpful, but encourages a sense of pessimism. These stories, whether through a blog or cable television or postings on websites, often seem focused on convincing us that what is occurring is going to have permanent, negative effects on our lives and that this will never change no matter what we do and that the impact will be pervasive. They also seem focused on blaming someone for what has occurred. Unfortunately, this only encourages people to become depressed and pessimistic and to give up.

Our children are affected by these same forces. We need to teach them that most things, whether good or bad, do not last forever. Children should be taught to expect change and, indeed, welcome it.

A second thing we need to teach our children is that few events in our lives will have a pervasive effect, either positive or negative, on the quality of our lives. Indeed, things will have a specific effect. Bad things that happen may make certain aspects of our lives worse, but seldom will it affect everything and change everything. The same is true for positive events. They will not make everything better. Getting that A in science is great, but it doesn’t change everything. It doesn’t mean you don’t need to study for the next test or that next year will not be more difficult as the subject matter becomes more difficult.

And last of all, we need to teach our children not to blame others or blame themselves. This does not mean that we do not teach them to be accountable for their actions or to hold others accountable for theirs. We simply teach them not to waste a great deal of energy and time in the emotional upheaval that goes along with blaming ourselves or blaming other people. This process is not helpful.

As I mentioned in the previous blog, the American Psychological Association has developed a number of brochures and information regarding how we can help our children deal with difficult times. There is a specific brochure available entitled, “Resilience in a Time of War,” tips for parents and teachers of elementary school children. The brochure is available from the American Psychological Association website by going to the help center on the website.

Here are briefly some of the things that the brochure encourages parents to do.

         1.      Talk with your child. Don’t assume that they’re not interested or they’re not thinking about or having feelings about what is going on.  Kids, in general, are more aware of things going on around them then most adults give them credit for.

         2.      Make your home a safe place emotionally for your child and limit the amount of news your child watches or sees over the Internet.

         3.      Keep things in a positive perspective with your child.  When you talk about bad times and bad things that are happening, make sure you also talk about good things that are happening and that there will be good times in the future as well.

         4.      Reassure your children that they will be okay.

         5.      As indicated in the previous blog, have an emergency plan and have an emergency kit.

         6.      Have a routine, both for you and the children, and stick with it.

         7.      And last of all, take care of yourself so you can take care of them.

Dr. Ron Breazeale