Your Ex

As I have done in previous blogs, I’m going to present a challenge from the game, “Bounce Back.” Your job is to list the skills and the attitudes of resilience that you would use in dealing with the challenge. Describe how you would respond to the challenge using these skills.

This challenge relates to dealing with an ex-spouse. For most people it is a difficult proposition. But it is especially difficult if you are in recovery and your ex-spouse wants to get back together.

You still have feelings for her/him, but in your head  you know it isn’t a healthy relationship and you’re not sure that your ex-spouse is sober. The two of you had many good times together. Some of those involved drinking. And you also had some pretty terrible, horrendous times together. Especially those that involved alcohol.

Take some time and think about this and about what skills and attitudes you might apply. Try to put yourself in this situation.

Here are some of our suggestions about the skills and the attitudes of resilience that might help you deal with this situation. Again, these are only our suggestions. Every situation is different, as is every person. We’re also sure that there are other ideas that you may have or others that you talk with may have about how to deal with this situation and what other skills and attitudes could be applied. We would encourage you to think through this and to talk with others about how they would deal with a similar situation or how they have dealt with a similar challenge.

First off, we would suggest that you take a look at your feelings and that you act, not just in terms of your feelings, but also in terms of what your head would tell you is the right thing to do. Unfortunately, feelings can often act as a filter and can distort the way we look at things. They’re important, but they should not be the determining factor in what you do in this situation.

We would suggest that you take some time to think about how you need to take care of yourself in this situation. How important is your recovery?

Through all of this, you need to connect with others and to communicate about what is going on. Very often we keep things to ourselves that we shouldn’t. If you have a sponsor, talk with your sponsor about what is happening. Communication and connection are important.

Last of all, we would suggest that you take some action. Through connecting and talking with others, we suggest that you make a plan and that you take action to carry it out. Not making a decision and not taking action may make you more vulnerable to the actions of others. It may make it more likely that you will be pulled into the relationship again and find yourself in the middle of it before you realize you’re there.

You may have come up with other skills and attitudes that you would apply in this situation. As we have said, every individual and every situation is different. Again, we would encourage you to think this through and to talk with others about how they have dealt with a similar challenge or how they believe you should deal with the challenge that you’re facing. You don’t have to take their suggestions, but it’s usually a good idea to consider suggestions from those closest to you that know you well.

We have found over the years in using this game that it encourages people to really think about what they would do in this specific situation and requires them to actually demonstrate how they would apply the skills and the attitudes of resilience to the challenge.