Talented and Gifted

As in previous blogs, I will present a challenge from the game, “Bounce Back,” and your job is to list the skills and the attitudes of resilience that you would use in dealing with the challenge. This one relates to your child and to your relationship with your ex-spouse. As any parent or partner would know, both relationships can present many challenges.

Your daughter is excited. She is part of the talented and gifted program at her school and has been selected for a tuition-paid summer in London. A friend of hers who is in the program and is also going to London has family friends who live there. She will be able to stay there for most of the season and will only need money to pay for her food and incidentals. The problem, however, and the challenge is that your ex-spouse has refused to pay for her airfare. She obviously wants to go to the program and you want to send her. But it will be difficult for you to find the money necessary for the airfare if your ex-husband is refusing to help financially. How would you use the skills and the attitudes of resilience to deal with this situation?

First of all, we would suggest that you look at the feelings that you have about what’s going on. His behavior may bring up old hurts and a lot of anger from the past. Some of it that relates to perhaps the way in which he treated the children in your marriage and you. But again, much of it may not have to do with the present situation. Dealing with your feelings will be the first part of being able to look at this situation and think about it clearly and effectively.

We would also suggest that you talk with others about what is happening. This connecting with others and communicating may allow you to vent and discharge some of the feelings that you have about the situation and thereby allow you to not be swayed and pressured so much by your feelings that you behave in ways that may make the situation worse.

In your communication with him, if you talk with him directly, we would encourage you to be assertive, not aggressive. You can clearly state your case for why you feel this is important to your daughter. You can outline the situation, the pros and the cons and make a clear request for what specifically you would like for him to do to assist you and your daughter. You can also state what you’re willing to do in return if he is willing to provide assistance.

Last of all, we hope you come up with a plan and make a decision about how you’re going to proceed with this. The difficult thing to do is to weigh the pros and the cons of this situation. But be realistic about what you can afford and what assistance you can actually provide.

And make a decision. Being in limbo is usually not the best place for anyone to be.

As we have said in previous blogs, you may have come up with other skills and attitudes that you would apply in this situation. And, of course, every situation and every individual is different. We would encourage you to talk with others about how they have dealt with similar challenges with their ex and how they feel you might deal with the situation.

We have found over the years that using this game encourages people to really think about what they would do in a specific situation and requires them to actually demonstrate how they would apply the skills and the attitudes of resilience to the challenge. We will be introducing an electronic form of this game in the next few months.

Looking for a Job in a Foreign Land

As I have done in past blogs, I will present a challenge from the card game “Bounce Back.” The game is a tool that we have been using in teaching the skills and the attitudes of resilience. It is a serious game that asks you to apply the skills and the attitudes of resilience to a specific challenge and describe how you would respond to that challenge using these skills. Just like life, you don’t know what challenge you will be dealt.

Here’s one that relates to finding a job in a foreign country. It is foreign because it is all new to you. You’re a professional, or you were a professional in your homeland. You, unfortunately, have not been able to meet the certification requirements for licensure for that profession in the United States. It seems the only jobs that people think you qualify for are a nurse’s aid or a fast food worker. What are the skills and the attitudes of resilience that would help you to deal with this situation?

First off, we would encourage you to be flexible. This is a situation that requires flexibility. Being rigid out of pride will not be helpful. Perhaps you will have to take a job that pays less and you might have considered to be beneath you in the past. This, however, may be a step toward finding your way back in to a job that you enjoy and do well.

It will also be important to connect with other people and to make connections in this country. Networking is the way most people find jobs, whether they are new to this country or have lived here all their life.

Communication will be important. Communication about the feelings of frustration that you are having with locating a job. It will be important to vent and discharge many of these feelings so they don’t get in the way of you being able to find a job. Feelings act as a filter. They can distort the way we think about things and encourage us to behave in ways that may not, in the end, be in your best interest.

Be self-confident. This too will pass. You will eventually find work. Self-confidence will also help you deal with the anxiety that you may feel about not working and the fear that you may feel of not ever working again in your profession. Don’t give up. Believe in yourself. Perseverance will impress others and will encourage others to persevere in trying to assist you in locating work and hopefully being able to return to the profession that you have been trained in and practiced in the past.

You may have come up with other skills and attitudes that you could apply to this situation. As we said earlier, every situation and every individual is different. And again, we would encourage you to talk through this with others about how they have dealt with the same challenge or a similar one and how they feel you might best deal with the present challenge.

Being out of work is just one of the challenges that you are facing in your new country. Be optimistic. Better times will come. And because you’re out of work doesn’t mean that everything has changed in your life. Look for those things that are still the same. Begrateful for the things that you still have. And don’t blame yourself. Blaming yourself or blaming others for your present situation is not going to help you resolve it.

We have found over the years that using this game and asking people to respond to these challenges requires people to really look at a specific situation and to actually demonstrate how they would apply the skills and the attitudes of resilience to the challenge.

The Asteroid

In the last few blogs we have been dealing with challenges that you are likely to face in your life, such as a power outage during a cold winter, problems with those you are living with, etc. So we thought we might address one that is probably a very unlikely thing that you will ever deal with. At least we would hope so for all of us. But scientists tell us that it could happen.

Here is the challenge: A very large asteroid is now believed to be on a collision course with Earth. It is believed to be of a similar size to the one that produced the extinction of the dinosaurs. If it strikes Earth, it will wreak havoc and destruction. No one is quite sure yet if this is likely to occur. It is anticipated that if it does, it will be sometime in the next six months. There are efforts being made by the various governments of the world to determine if Earth is actually in danger, and efforts to plan for some type of diversion if the asteroid is on a collision course with Earth.

What would you use in the skills and the attitudes of resilience that we have been reviewing in this blog to cope with this situation?

There are a host of skills and attitudes that could be applied to this one. They involve such things as the old stand-by, such communication with others and connecting with others to really find out what’s going on, and to begin to deal with some of the feelings that you’re beginning to have about what could occur. Management of one’s feelings in this situation would be really important. Denial of what is happening or what might happen and denial of your feelings about this would not be a good idea.

By keeping yourself informed and beginning to think through possible scenarios and your response to them, you could begin to make some realistic plans for what you might  be able to do. This is a time, of course, to think about taking care of yourself and others. There are few situations in which humankind has found itself totally helpless.  See the big picture. Assume the best rather than the worst.

This may also be a time for doing some deep thought about what you see as the meaning of your life and your purpose in this world and some accounting to yourself and to others for your actions.

Indeed, the situation that we are presenting may not be a very likely one, but it may require some of the same skills and attitudes that we need to deal with other, more likely collisions that we may have with a terminal illness or a disabling accident. 

As with the other challenges that we have presented, you may have other ideas about the skills and the attitudes that could be applied to this situation. We would encourage you to think this through and to talk with others about how they would deal with such a situation. Connecting with others, communicating, reevaluating your sense of purpose and direction, managing your feelings about the situation and taking action to care for yourself and for others would be critical to responding to this challenge

Being A Dreamer

Over previous months, we have presented some challenges and discussed some possible ways of dealing with them using the skills and the attitudes of resilience.  These challenges are part of the game called “Bounce Back” that we developed a few years ago to teach the skills and the attitudes of resilience. We are continuing to finalize an electronic version of the game that can be played on the Internet and which will present these challenges to players and provide them with some immediate feedback regarding the skills and the attitudes of resilience that we believe might be useful in responding to the challenge.

So in this blog, again assume that you are playing “Bounce Back” and you have been dealt the following challenge:

You’re a dreamer. You always have been. Your friends tell you that you come up with a new idea every week. They kid you about it. You pretend it doesn’t get to you, but it does. What would you do?

From the information that we have given, you know that you are connected to these other people. That what they think and what they say matters. But can you communicate with them? Can you tell them how you really feel and what you really think? This involves being able to communicate, as well as to be able to deal with some of the feelings that you have. And first of all, you have to admit that the feelings exist. What they’re saying apparently hurts your feelings.

Talking to your friends about your feelings would be the first thing to do. It would also be a very good idea to be able to keep in mind the bigger picture. Your friends may have no intention of hurting your feelings or discouraging you. Making this assumption, rather than assuming that they are trying to be hurtful or jealous of you, may be a better place to start from, unless you have other information that their intentions are not good ones. Being able to appreciate and use humor might also help you deal with this situation.

And last of all, don’t give up. Believe in yourself. Be self-confident. Continue to be a dreamer.

We are sure that there are other ideas that you may have or others may have about how to deal with this situation and how the other skills and attitudes of resilience would be helpful. We encourage you to think this through and to talk with others about how they would deal with a similar situation. As with many of the situations that we have presented in this series, communication is key.

Power Outage

In this blog we present a challenge and discuss some of the possible ways of dealing with it using the skills and the attitudes of resilience. These challenges are part of a game called Bounce Back that we developed a few years ago to teach the skills and the attitudes of resilience. We are in the process of finalizing an electronic version of Bounce Back that can be played off of a website and that will present these challenges to players and provide them with immediate feedback regarding the skills and the attitudes of resilience that we feel might be helpful in responding to the challenge.

So, as before, assume that you are playing Bounce Back and you have just been dealt this challenge: The electric company in your region has been trying to restore power for a number of days. Solar storms are disrupting communications and apparently are keeping the power grid down. It is the middle of winter and a very cold one. You are at home with your family. You only have a small woodstove and a fireplace. How would you deal with this challenge, using the skills and the attitudes of resilience?

We would assume, first of all, that you probably have a lot of feelings about what is happening. In order to think clearly and deal with the situation, you will need to keep your feelings under control and manage them. How would you do this? First of all, you would need to admit that the situation is getting on your nerves and that you are worried about your house and the pipes and plumbing and, in general, about what is going to be happening without any power.

Connecting with others and communicating is going to be really important. Maybe there is a portable generator that one of your neighbors has that you could use to run the refrigerator or to get more heat into the house or do some other things.

Then you’re going to need to be able to make a plan for dealing with the different problems that you are facing, such as frozen pipes, your unhappy children, since they are bored stiff without their electronics, etc. Thinking these problems through and doing problem solving with others will be important if you are to weather the power outage. Given the situation, keeping a sense of humor might also be helpful.

We are sure that there are other ideas that you may have or others may have about how to deal with the situation and how other skills and attitudes of resilience could be applied. We would encourage you to think this through and to talk with others about how they have dealt with situations like this in the past and how they believe they would deal with this challenge in the future. What did they learn from the past? As with many of the other challenges that we present, connecting with others and communication are important, but being able to control and manage your feelings in a tense, difficult situation is equally important.  If you were to think clearly and respond in an adaptive fashion, you need to manage how you feel rather than to deny or discount your feelings.

The Roommate

As I have done in previous blogs, I’m going to present a challenge from the serious game,Bounce Back, a game that can help you learn the skills and the attitudes of resilience. Your job is to list the skills and the attitudes that you would use in dealing with the challenge, and describe how you would respond to the challenge using these skills.

This challenge relates to having a roommate. We have all had difficult roommates and had challenges in dealing with them, I would assume. But this may be particularly difficult if you’re a recovering alcoholic.

So for the challenge I would like for you to assume that you are playing the game and you have been dealt a challenge that describes the situation that you’re in and describes who you are. Let’s assume that you are a recovering alcoholic. Your roommate, who has been sober for four years, relapses and shares that information with you. He tells you he is fine and asks you to keep this secret. What would you do?

For those of you who have never been caught up in an addiction or have little knowledge of addictions, this may be a difficult challenge to respond to. But in many ways, the challenge is not that different from many of the ones that we have presented in this series. This doesn’t mean broadcasting to a recovering community that your roommate is drinking again. It does, however, mean talking with your roommate and with your sponsor or with some other people that you are close to and doing some problem solving, both with yourself and with others. You can support your roommate and try to help your roommate recover from the slip.  But in that process, you need to take care of yourself. 

As with many of the challenges that we have discussed, dealing with your feelings about what is happening and recognizing them and expressing them is key, as is communication with others.  

Those of you who are in recovery many have other ideas about how to deal with this challenge. Maybe some of you have dealt with this. I would encourage you to discuss with others this challenge and to think through how you might deal with this situation or a similar situation. Again, those you talk with may have other ideas.

We will present another challenge in our next blog.

Losing the Numbers Person

Here is another challenge from BOUNCE BACK a serious game of mental toughness and resilience. The game should be available in late summer/early fall.

So here is the challenge. You are divorced. You have been divorced for just a few months. Your ex-spouse was a numbers person, the one who handled the finances in the marriage. You weren’t involved in that to the degree that maybe you should have been. This is one of the issues that possibly led up to your separation and divorce. You’re on your own now, and your salary must be managed intelligently. How would you use the skills and the attitudes of resilience to do this?

Obviously, you need to connect with others and others that can perhaps teach you or guide you in developing a budget and managing your finances. One of the ways to deal with stress is to simply develop the skills and the attitudes that you need to make the situation less stressful. Make a plan. Get some help in thinking about your finances. Communicate. Talk with others about how they manage a budget. All of this requires that you are willing to admit that you don’t have all the answers and you don’t have all the skills that you need to do this.

So make a plan and take action to carry it out. And deal with whatever feelings may come up, such as embarrassment. You can’t deal with the situation or seek assistance unless you’re willing to admit that there is a problem and that you may lack some of the knowledge or skill required to deal with it.

You may also find that as you are attempting to do this, a lot of old feelings will come up about the marriage and the divorce. Deal with those. You may need to talk about them. But first of all, you need to admit that they exist, if they do.

There are other ideas that you may have and others may have about how to deal with this situation. Consider the other skills and the attitudes of resilience and how they might apply. Think this through and talk with others. We all have problems managing our money quite often, and we all need some help sometimes in being able to make a budget and to improve our skills in this area. Communication with others will be a key in responding to this challenge. Managing the feelings that come up around doing this will also be important, as well as finding good advisers and others who can help you learn the skills of money management. Make a plan and carry it out.

We will present another challenge in our next blog.