Fear

Fear is an emotion that many of us have a hard time recognizing or admitting that it exists within us. This emotion, which is a normal, healthy one, is often covered up, especially by men, with anger. Fear can help us adapt to difficult situations. It can help us avoid danger. But when it is prolonged or not tied to reality, it can be destructive.

Fear is a tool of terrorists. They want to create fear that is prolonged and, in many cases, unrealistic. They want the group that is being terrorized to believe that they are in constant danger. That they are in danger if they go shopping. If they walk on the street in their neighborhood. Or go to their child’s athletic event.

The antidote to fear is resilience. If we engage the skills and the attitudes of resilience, we will be less fearful. When we are afraid, we need to connect with others. We need to communicate with others and to recognize and deal with the feelings that we are experiencing. Isolation from others and denial of how we feel will only increase our fear. We also need to be flexible in our thinking and our behavior. Unfortunately, fear often makes our thinking rigid and it handicaps our ability to make realistic plans and take action to carry them out. Making decisions and acting out of fear often results in bad decision-making and misguided behavior.

Again, when we are afraid, we need to first of all admit that we are, and we need to seek out others with whom we can talk. We need to be flexible in our thinking and our actions, and we need to make realistic plans and take action. And most of all, we need to deal with the feelings that we have. We do not need to cover them over with anger. This is not to say that we should not be angry about the events occurring in our world. But we should also recognize and manage the fear that these events generate.

I will talk more about resilience as an antidote to fear in the next blog.

Keeping Perspective

In our crazy world, it is very easy to lose perspective. We often have a hard time seeing the bigger picture. The media often doesn’t help with this, but unfortunately often encourages us to see things in a most negative light. After 911, I did a workshop with some reporters who had covered 911. They were quite willing to admit that their coverage often encouraged people to be more fearful and to see what was happening as being an event that would have a permanent and pervasive impact on everyone’s lives in our country. The media also was focused on placing blame for the attack. As they explained, “If it bleeds, it leads.”

Unfortunately, this way of looking at things only encourages us to be pessimistic rather than optimistic about our future. The reality is that there are very few things that will have a pervasive impact on our lives, meaning that it will affect every part of our lives. Even good or bad events usually only affect specific parts of our lives. Not everything. And few things are ever permanent, either good or bad. Life is a long chain of temporaries. “This too will pass,” is a good way of looking at the events in our world.

And last of all, looking to blame someone for the problem or the tragedy is usually not helpful. I am not talking about not holding people accountable. Obviously, we need to hold each other accountable for our actions. But this is different from blaming. Blaming often fuels violence. When we are blaming other people, we are often so emotionally involved we cannot think clearly. Whether it was the witch hunts in Salem or the lynchings in the South or the countless other acts of violence that have been committed over the years, blaming and the irresponsible behavior that often goes with it seldom does anything to make our world a better and safer place to live. Deciding that all Syrians or Muslims are out to do harm to us I doubt will make us any safer.

Resilience requires that we keep perspective. That we see the bigger picture, realizing that few things and events in our world have a pervasive impact on our lives and are permanent. Thinking clearly without being caught up in the emotions of blame, these are the things that will make our world a better place in which to live.

Remembering 9-11

Fourteen years ago, an event occurred that shook the foundation of this country’s sense of confidence and security in the world.  9-11. Just like those of us who were alive when JFK was assassinated, we remember that day and where we were and what we were doing. The events of those two days are etched in our memory.  Indeed, they are.Traumatic events such as 9-11, the recent attacks in Paris and in California, the assassination of a president are stored in different areas of the brain, from those we utilize in remembering where put our car keys the night before. 

This mechanism of recalling traumatic events in detail is adaptive. It is a survival mechanism. Remembering those things which are a threat to our survival are often important to remember vividly and in detail so that we can avoid or prevent future trauma. Forgetting where we put our car keys can be frustrating, but usually not traumatic.

Unfortunately, in the modern world, many of the traumatic events that occur are ones that we cannot change or necessarily prevent in the future. Feelings associated with these traumas often stay with us. In the extreme, we talk about post-traumatic stress or post-traumatic stress disorders. But I would guess that most of us on 9-11 had some of these old memories come back to us and some of the unpleasant feelings associated with those memories, even after fourteen years.

Resilience requires that we continue to discharge feelings regarding past traumas.  Talking with others about these feelings and connecting with others is one of the ways that we can do this. Generally speaking, it is a good thing to talk about  what happened and to express the feelings that are still there. Taking the opportunity that the anniversary of a traumatic event affords to continue to discharge feelings around that event is often a very healthy thing to do and an activity that can strengthen and build your resilience.

Baby Boomers

In the last few weeks, especially with the events in Paris and California, I have given a lot of thought to the things that my generation and the Baby Boomers who have come after my generation have dealt with over the past sixty years. A battle for civil rights, the Cold War, Vietnam,911, the conflicts in the Middle East with Afghanistan and Iraq and now Syria, and terrorism. The world has certainly changed a lot in sixty years. Much for the better. The Cold War ended, gains were made in civil rights for all of our citizens, and there have been major advances in science and medicine over these years.

But is our world a safer place to live than it was sixty years ago? Perhaps in some ways it is. We don’t have to worry as much about the world being destroyed by a nuclear exchange of the major powers. But does this make us feel safer?

Discrimination against members of our society is not as blatant and as open as it was sixty years ago, but it certainly still exists. We are certainly not a colorblind society. Ferguson, and now concerns about Syrian refugees.

Baby Boomers have shown resilience through it all. But so have the generations that have preceded and followed us. Unfortunately, it appears that in the years that are ahead of us, we will need to muster these skills and utilize them even more.

So as we head into a New Year, we need to stay connected with others. We need to talk about and deal with what is happening in our world. We need to remain flexible and adaptable in our thinking and our behavior. We need to continue to create purpose and meaning in the things that we are doing each day. We certainly need to keep problem-solving and working together to make this a better world. We need to continue to take care of ourselves and others and to deal with and address all of the feelings that come up as we attempt to understand and deal with the senseless violence that continues to occur in our world.

So may our New Year be a happier and less violent one.

Your Ex

As I have done in previous blogs, I’m going to present a challenge from the game, “Bounce Back.” Your job is to list the skills and the attitudes of resilience that you would use in dealing with the challenge. Describe how you would respond to the challenge using these skills.

This challenge relates to dealing with an ex-spouse. For most people it is a difficult proposition. But it is especially difficult if you are in recovery and your ex-spouse wants to get back together.

You still have feelings for her/him, but in your head  you know it isn’t a healthy relationship and you’re not sure that your ex-spouse is sober. The two of you had many good times together. Some of those involved drinking. And you also had some pretty terrible, horrendous times together. Especially those that involved alcohol.

Take some time and think about this and about what skills and attitudes you might apply. Try to put yourself in this situation.

Here are some of our suggestions about the skills and the attitudes of resilience that might help you deal with this situation. Again, these are only our suggestions. Every situation is different, as is every person. We’re also sure that there are other ideas that you may have or others that you talk with may have about how to deal with this situation and what other skills and attitudes could be applied. We would encourage you to think through this and to talk with others about how they would deal with a similar situation or how they have dealt with a similar challenge.

First off, we would suggest that you take a look at your feelings and that you act, not just in terms of your feelings, but also in terms of what your head would tell you is the right thing to do. Unfortunately, feelings can often act as a filter and can distort the way we look at things. They’re important, but they should not be the determining factor in what you do in this situation.

We would suggest that you take some time to think about how you need to take care of yourself in this situation. How important is your recovery?

Through all of this, you need to connect with others and to communicate about what is going on. Very often we keep things to ourselves that we shouldn’t. If you have a sponsor, talk with your sponsor about what is happening. Communication and connection are important.

Last of all, we would suggest that you take some action. Through connecting and talking with others, we suggest that you make a plan and that you take action to carry it out. Not making a decision and not taking action may make you more vulnerable to the actions of others. It may make it more likely that you will be pulled into the relationship again and find yourself in the middle of it before you realize you’re there.

You may have come up with other skills and attitudes that you would apply in this situation. As we have said, every individual and every situation is different. Again, we would encourage you to think this through and to talk with others about how they have dealt with a similar challenge or how they believe you should deal with the challenge that you’re facing. You don’t have to take their suggestions, but it’s usually a good idea to consider suggestions from those closest to you that know you well.

We have found over the years in using this game that it encourages people to really think about what they would do in this specific situation and requires them to actually demonstrate how they would apply the skills and the attitudes of resilience to the challenge.

Talented and Gifted

As in previous blogs, I will present a challenge from the game, “Bounce Back,” and your job is to list the skills and the attitudes of resilience that you would use in dealing with the challenge. This one relates to your child and to your relationship with your ex-spouse. As any parent or partner would know, both relationships can present many challenges.

Your daughter is excited. She is part of the talented and gifted program at her school and has been selected for a tuition-paid summer in London. A friend of hers who is in the program and is also going to London has family friends who live there. She will be able to stay there for most of the season and will only need money to pay for her food and incidentals. The problem, however, and the challenge is that your ex-spouse has refused to pay for her airfare. She obviously wants to go to the program and you want to send her. But it will be difficult for you to find the money necessary for the airfare if your ex-husband is refusing to help financially. How would you use the skills and the attitudes of resilience to deal with this situation?

First of all, we would suggest that you look at the feelings that you have about what’s going on. His behavior may bring up old hurts and a lot of anger from the past. Some of it that relates to perhaps the way in which he treated the children in your marriage and you. But again, much of it may not have to do with the present situation. Dealing with your feelings will be the first part of being able to look at this situation and think about it clearly and effectively.

We would also suggest that you talk with others about what is happening. This connecting with others and communicating may allow you to vent and discharge some of the feelings that you have about the situation and thereby allow you to not be swayed and pressured so much by your feelings that you behave in ways that may make the situation worse.

In your communication with him, if you talk with him directly, we would encourage you to be assertive, not aggressive. You can clearly state your case for why you feel this is important to your daughter. You can outline the situation, the pros and the cons and make a clear request for what specifically you would like for him to do to assist you and your daughter. You can also state what you’re willing to do in return if he is willing to provide assistance.

Last of all, we hope you come up with a plan and make a decision about how you’re going to proceed with this. The difficult thing to do is to weigh the pros and the cons of this situation. But be realistic about what you can afford and what assistance you can actually provide.

And make a decision. Being in limbo is usually not the best place for anyone to be.

As we have said in previous blogs, you may have come up with other skills and attitudes that you would apply in this situation. And, of course, every situation and every individual is different. We would encourage you to talk with others about how they have dealt with similar challenges with their ex and how they feel you might deal with the situation.

We have found over the years that using this game encourages people to really think about what they would do in a specific situation and requires them to actually demonstrate how they would apply the skills and the attitudes of resilience to the challenge. We will be introducing an electronic form of this game in the next few months.

Looking for a Job in a Foreign Land

As I have done in past blogs, I will present a challenge from the card game “Bounce Back.” The game is a tool that we have been using in teaching the skills and the attitudes of resilience. It is a serious game that asks you to apply the skills and the attitudes of resilience to a specific challenge and describe how you would respond to that challenge using these skills. Just like life, you don’t know what challenge you will be dealt.

Here’s one that relates to finding a job in a foreign country. It is foreign because it is all new to you. You’re a professional, or you were a professional in your homeland. You, unfortunately, have not been able to meet the certification requirements for licensure for that profession in the United States. It seems the only jobs that people think you qualify for are a nurse’s aid or a fast food worker. What are the skills and the attitudes of resilience that would help you to deal with this situation?

First off, we would encourage you to be flexible. This is a situation that requires flexibility. Being rigid out of pride will not be helpful. Perhaps you will have to take a job that pays less and you might have considered to be beneath you in the past. This, however, may be a step toward finding your way back in to a job that you enjoy and do well.

It will also be important to connect with other people and to make connections in this country. Networking is the way most people find jobs, whether they are new to this country or have lived here all their life.

Communication will be important. Communication about the feelings of frustration that you are having with locating a job. It will be important to vent and discharge many of these feelings so they don’t get in the way of you being able to find a job. Feelings act as a filter. They can distort the way we think about things and encourage us to behave in ways that may not, in the end, be in your best interest.

Be self-confident. This too will pass. You will eventually find work. Self-confidence will also help you deal with the anxiety that you may feel about not working and the fear that you may feel of not ever working again in your profession. Don’t give up. Believe in yourself. Perseverance will impress others and will encourage others to persevere in trying to assist you in locating work and hopefully being able to return to the profession that you have been trained in and practiced in the past.

You may have come up with other skills and attitudes that you could apply to this situation. As we said earlier, every situation and every individual is different. And again, we would encourage you to talk through this with others about how they have dealt with the same challenge or a similar one and how they feel you might best deal with the present challenge.

Being out of work is just one of the challenges that you are facing in your new country. Be optimistic. Better times will come. And because you’re out of work doesn’t mean that everything has changed in your life. Look for those things that are still the same. Begrateful for the things that you still have. And don’t blame yourself. Blaming yourself or blaming others for your present situation is not going to help you resolve it.

We have found over the years that using this game and asking people to respond to these challenges requires people to really look at a specific situation and to actually demonstrate how they would apply the skills and the attitudes of resilience to the challenge.