Blue Christmas

Pleasant thoughts of food, family and holiday decorations can be a source of joy for many people. They can also be a source of stress. Holidays are a time when we look back and remember. Memories of past holidays can bring up a mix of feelings. These memories may bring up a longing for the way things were, feeling that things are just not as good this year as they have been in past years. We may miss those who have died and are no longer with you during the holiday season. We may miss our children who are now living on the other coast, or we may find ourselves missing a brother or a sister or a friend that we seldom see or talk with, or even a spouse that we divorced many years before. The holidays can be an opportunity to reconnect with people that we miss, that we haven’t seen in a while, as well as make new connections. It can be an opportunity to reconnect with those we have been estranged from and in conflict with. It is a time to put old hurts in the past. To let bygones be bygones. Take the opportunities that the holidays present to be with others. To talk with others about how things were and are. About the people in your life that you miss and are no longer with. Call, write, use social media to reconnect. To make amends. Take time for yourself to heal. Churches often have Blue Christmas services during the holiday season for those who are grieving a loss. A parent. A spouse. A child. One’s health. One’s job. But if you continue to feel overwhelmed by sadness or grief, consider talking with a professional, such as a psychologist, to help you find ways of coping with and managing your stress. The holidays offer many opportunities to celebrate life, to heal old wounds, and to act on your values and beliefs. Take advantage of these opportunities. Ron Breazeale

The Time for Action is Upon Us

Guest blogger: Rita Schiano A few days ago, I received an e-mail from Rena Hannaford, CEO of KidsTerrain, Inc., asking me to write a blog for their web site pertaining to the senseless killing of 20 innocent children and 6 adults at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut on Friday, December 14. It took me a few days to begin that assignment for I was simply too numb. But when I awoke this morning, the numbness had turned to a churning within my soul. I’ve written far too many blogs precipitated by horrific acts similar to this tragedy. And while I find myself asking once again, when will this madness cease, I know there is no end date . . . and, sadly, there will continue to be more incomprehensible violence and more senseless deaths. During the vigil on Sunday, President Barack Obama said, “We’ve endured too many of these tragedies in the past few years. . . . And we’re going to have to come together and take meaningful action to prevent more tragedies like this, regardless of the politics.” While I am heartened by President Obama’s words, the reality is that we are steeped in a culture of violence, with far too many guns in the hands of those who pervert our Second Amendment right to bear arms. So, let’s do a reality check. When our Constitution was written, “arms” meant muskets. Our Founding Fathers had no way of foreseeing that arms would one day mean a high-powered, semiautomatic Bushmaster rifle, the weapon used in Sandy Hook and also used by the D.C. snipers John Allen Muhammad and Lee Boyd Malvo, who in 2002, killed 10 people and critically wounded three. Our Founding Fathers had no way of foreseeing that arms would mean a semiautomatic Glock 9mm handgun, the weapon found in Sandy Hook, and the type of weapon used in the 2011 shooting at a shopping center in Arizona that killed six people and wounded then-Rep. Gabrielle Giffords and 12 others, and in the 2007 massacre at Virginia Tech where 32 people were killed and 17 wounded, or a .40-caliber Glock used by the gunman in the Colorado movie theater in July, where 12 people were killed and dozens more were wounded. Our Founding Fathers had no way of foreseeing that arms would mean a 9mm SIG Sauer pistol, the weapon found in Sandy Hook, and the type of weapon used in the Standard Gravure shooting that left eight people dead and 12 wounded; or the 9 mm semiautomatic handgun with multiple ammunition magazines used to kill six people and wound three at the Sikh temple in Wisconsin, and in the execution-style massacre at the Amish school in Pennsylvania. The list of disturbing examples is far too long and far too sickening to my stomach to continue. So what can be done? What “meaningful action” does the President have in mind? As Pierre Thomas said, “The genie is out of the bottle.” “Meaningful action” must be multi-fold. We, as citizens, must raise our voices and demand by our votes a federal a ban on assault weapons. We, as citizens, must raise our voices demand by our votes that legislators turn their backs on gun lobbyists and turn and face instead those they represent with a commitment to safety; we, as a society, need to address the gaps in the treatment of mental health in this country; and we, as human beings, need to question our ethics when it comes to accepting as normal the brazen violence in our movies, in our videos games, and in our music. Meaningful action . . . . Let us as a nation resolve in the New Year to define what the meaningful action will be, devise an actionable plan, and commit to not giving up on this goal until a safer America is a reality. Endnote: I want to thank Dr. Ron Breazeale and Rena Hannaford of KidsTerrain, Inc. for the opportunity to share these thoughts with you. Bio: Rita Schiano is an author, keynote speaker, and founder of Live A Flourishing Life™, offering programs help people develop and tap into the skills and attitudes necessary for them to overcome personal and professional barriers, build resilience, and live a better life. Ms Schiano is also an adjunct professor and teaches philosophy, leadership, and stress management courses. Her books include Live A Flourishing Life, a stress management and resilience-building process book, the critically-acclaimed novel Painting The Invisible Man, and the soon to be released, The Path To Flourishing. Visit her online at www.ritaschiano.com.

I Hate Christmas Lights

Guest blooger: Dr. Bill Conklin Another holiday season is upon us and in the spirit of starting anew, I’d like to make a confession. I hate Christmas lights! To be clear, I think the numerous colorful, creative displays are beautiful. Seeing the light reflected in the joyous faces of my children warms my heart. But, hanging the colorful baubles is something I dread. The mere thought of dragging out the gnarled mess of breakable beauties, disentangling them, checking to see if they’re still working, climbing the rickety ladder and draping the electronic decorations across the front of the abode induces stress from around Halloween until after New Years. Invariably, a strand that worked perfectly well on the ground refuses to work on the side of the house. So, there’s another trip up the ladder, extended detective work to disclose the culprit and replace that bulb from a previously uncooperative replacement strand. Last year, I made the mistake of mixing new strands with old and repeatedly burned out a fuse on the newest strand. That was excruciatingly frustrating, but somehow I mustered the wherewithal to avoid a verbal outburst (and further embarrassment) in front of my amused neighbors. By the way, my deepest gratitude for the local big box store for your generous exchange policy. You saved me more than money. In 2010, a windy December storm took down a portion of the lights on the west end of the house. Risking life and limb by climbing the heights to the second story once was taxing enough. Given the anticipation of another climb in January, I resigned to Mother Nature and her cascade of lights. Perhaps they were no longer symmetrical, but they were lovely just the same. In some ways, we were lucky in 2011. Temperatures were mild helping prevent frozen hands from sticking to the chilly metal gutters. Admittedly, the homes in many neighborhoods are beautifully adorned. Even displays on the gaudy side bring smiles and reminders of family, friends, and the spirit of the season. But is this really worth the hassle and the risk? Okay, don’t tell my spouse, but the answer is “yes.” I hang these things with shaky legs from a rickety ladder because she loves them. Undeniably better natured than I, she shines brighter than the house when she sees those silly, temperamental lights dangling from their hooks. It’s as if I built the house, discovered electricity, and invented the light bulb when she looks me directly in the face says “Thank you, Honey.” I’m not particularly bright when it comes to romance, but I think this wins some pretty big points. In fact, doing something I dread to please my spouse makes the task not quite so dreadful at all. This small sacrifice is really an opportunity to show her that I value her. Think about it, is there a better way to show someone how important they are than to do something for them that they know you hate? Does a gift mean more when it forces you to extend yourself? I think so. Consider it for a moment. Are you willing to stretch to let your partner know you love them? Doing so this season may be a gift that reaps serious dividends. Dr. Bill Conklin is a psychologist practicing in East Tennessee. Bill has applied the priniciples of positive psychology since the late 1990s. He has coordinated the development of A.P.T. - Automatic Positive Thinking™ a group positive psychological intervention. For information: www.automaticpositivethinking.com

Belle Harbor

Belle Harbor, like many of the communities on the East Coast, was devastated by Hurricane Sandy. In addition to the wind and the flooding, Belle Harbor also experienced one of the worst fires in its history. A gas leak during the storm ignited and fueled an explosion that destroyed a large segment of the community. But Belle Harbor will bounce back. It has bounced back before. It is not new to facing adversity. It lost ten of its residents on 911. Five of them were firefighters. In fact, a large percentage of the residents of Belle Harbor are current or retired firefighters or police. And two months after 911, a passenger plane crashed into Belle Harbor killing all of the passengers on the plane and destroying a number of homes as well as killing a number of the residents of Belle Harbor. Many of Belle Harbor’s residents consider themselves to be lucky that they are alive and that their homes may still be standing, even though damaged by flood waters and wind. The community is described by a number of residents as a 3-F community: family, friends and faith. Residents of Belle Harbor are connected. They see themselves as being responsible for one another and have demonstrated that repeatedly during the recent storm and its aftermath. They have faith, many in a benevolent God that will help them through this crisis, and they have faith in each other and themselves. Many are optimists. They believe that better days are ahead. Many in the midst of this disaster are practicing gratitude and being thankful for what they have and not focusing completely on what they have lost. Belle Harbor is just one example of resilience in the face of adversity. Stories of individual heroism and resilience abound in Belle Harbor, but they also abound in other communities that faced down Hurricane Sandy and are bouncing back. Dr. Ron Breazeale

Practicing Acts of Kindness

(Guest Blogger Talya Steinberg, Psy.D) Acts of kindness are basic to every moral code and are probably so for a good reason. Recent research suggests that kindness may improve resiliency by promoting feelings of happiness and peace and supporting immunity. Cultivating happiness and peace is a key to resiliency because it bolsters one’s ability to stay grounded during difficult times. It also keeps the body healthy and helps ward off disease. Additionally, by improving interpersonal relationships, kindness can help build support systems so crucial during crises. Over the past several years the subject of kindness has been receiving increased attention in the scientific community. Numerous studies have shown that receiving, giving, or even witnessing acts of kindness increases immunity and the production of serotonin, a neurotransmitter that regulates mood in the brain. A recent study at the University of British Columbia showed that even toddlers may show psychological benefits from giving. Researchers compared toddlers’ displays of happiness after giving their own Goldfish cracker or a Goldfish cracker handed to them by a researcher to a puppet and found that toddlers displayed greater happiness when they shared their own crackers than when they gave away a cracker provided by the researcher. These findings suggest that humans, as innately social beings, may even be biologically predisposed toward acts of kindness. Kindness may foster community and sharing of resources, which ensures resiliency and survival. Additionally, kindness may nourish one’s sense of purpose and meaning, and reduce tension accumulated through interpersonal conflict. To quote the Dalai Lama, “When we feel love and kindness toward others, it not only makes others feel loved and cared for, but it helps us also to develop inner happiness and peace.” Even just thinking and talking about kindness can improve happiness and peace. A number of years ago I attended a conference at the Omega Institute for Holistic Studies led by Martin Seligman, a central figure in Positive Psychology. One of the central tenants of his discussion was indeed kindness. I recall the surprisingly strong reaction of the audience when we shared our responses to a kindness exercise called “The perfect surprise.” The instructions were to write about what we would do to give the perfect surprise to someone important in our lives. What beautiful, healing scenarios were created that day! People shed tears, smiled, and glowed. It really showed how nourishing kindness for others can be for the human soul. And it also helped to create a sense of cohesion in the audience as people shared in that sense of warmth and peace. Here is a thoroughly noncomprehensive list of random kindness acts: Write about “The Perfects Surprise” you would do for someone special. Hold the door for a stranger. Send a random hello email or text to a family member or friend you hardly ever see. Give a compliment to someone at work or school. Make a handmade card. Bring donuts or bagels to work. Smile to everyone. Help an elder with his or her groceries. Wave to children at the park. Say “I love you” to everyone you love. Do a chore for someone who needs help. Donate Volunteer Listen to a friend. Keep in mind that kindness has an additive effect and it’s really the little things that add up. So no matter how big or how small, each act of kindness makes an impact for us all. Dr. Talya Steinberg received her doctorate in Clinical Psychology in 2011 and is completing her postdoctoral training in Portland, Maine. She endorses positive psychology principles and teaches resiliency skills with Dr. Breazeale.

Living with a Disability part 3

I talked some in the last post about the unwanted gift that we receive when we have a disability. The gift is that we can see the world from a very different perspective. Having been born with what many might consider a minor disability, the absence of a left hand, I still am aware that I look at things around disability in a very different way than more “able-bodied” friends. First of all, I was aware growing up that adults may be more uncomfortable than children with a disability. Children just seem to be curious. The questions about how I was different and why I was different. But it was more difficult for me to deal with the same questions from older children or adults. Their questions bothered me. At times I felt ashamed. Obviously, I shouldn’t have, since I had nothing to do with having one hand. As an adult and as a psychologist, I am aware that the way we deal with young children about difference has a lot to do with the attitudes and behaviors that they eventually develop around people who are different. It often starts with attempts by adults to hush young children and keep them from asking questions so that they will be polite and not rude. The message that we convey when we do this with our children is that there is something wrong about the difference that shouldn’t be talked about. There is something wrong with the person who has the difference, and if we talk about it, it will embarrass the person. Children are also often taught to feel sorry for the “disabled person” and to thank God that they are not like them. It doesn’t take long to understand why they develop the attitudes and behaviors that they eventually exhibit as older children and adults. This early training as a child contributes to many adults feeling uncomfortable around people with physical difference and encourages adults to avoid interactions or close relationships with persons with a disability. I've often felt over the years that many people did not really want to get to know me very well because of the physical difference and that many adults kept me in a category separate from the one they placed themselves in. Unfortunately, this behavior only increases their distance from people who are different and encourages segregation and discrimination. Lack of integration contributes to a lack of understanding and awareness which contributes to accessible bathrooms not really being accessible, to ramps being too steep and therefore dangerous and not accessible, etc. On the other end of the continuum, this uneasiness can lead to systematic efforts to extinguish difference. As a disabled person, I am aware that the Nazis came for those with physical differences and disabilities before they came for the Jews or the Gypsies. I am still waiting for someone to erect a monument to the million-plus physically different folks who perished in the Holocaust. Dealing with other people’s attitudes and stuff about physical difference, my physical difference, always seemed to me to be the most unfair thing about being a person with a disability. Learning how to tie your shoes with one hand is hard enough. But I think I finally realized over the years that to deal very well with my own stuff, my anger, shame, etc., with my physical difference requires that I deal with other people’s curiosity and uneasiness about it. Obviously, much easier said than done. Ron Breazeale via Psychology Today

Living with a Disability Part 2

So what constitutes a disability? Having been born without a left hand, I remember that it took me a number of years to feel that it was okay to be just as angry over that as was the individual who had lost the use of his legs through a car accident. Relatively speaking, my loss was less than his, but my anger was often no less intense. So to answer the question - What constitutes a disability? - is a relative matter. Obviously, being born or acquiring a disability can, to say the least, have a major impact on your life.It can shape or reshape the way in which you look at yourself and the way in which you relate to others. Managing a disability is a time-consuming process. It often places you in a dependent role with others. It is, by definition, frustrating. It can limit your life in many ways. It can close doors. But as they say, it can also open new ones. One of the new ones is the ability to see things from a very different perspective. In considering my own experience with what many might consider a minor disability, the absence of a left hand, I have sometimes struggled with a question of ‘where do I fit?’ I am clearly not able-bodied. No, the military agreed and didn’t send me to Vietnam. Of course, I really do not understand what it would be like to have two hands. The world is set up for people who have two hands. Everything from tying your shoes to opening most containers assumes that you have good use of both hands. But what am I complaining about? I can walk upstairs, I can drive a car, etc. And so the debate has always gone. Inside of me, at least. But I do know that I share a lot in common with other people who have a disability. I certainly feel the same about many issues. For example, I know that I am different and a minority in most settings. I was the only kid in my hometown with one hand. Like most persons with a disability, I have been questioned all my life as to why I'm different. Although I've gotten more comfortable with this over the years, I’ve never quite gotten used to it. As a child, I used to avoid these questions and looks by hiding my difference, e.g., putting my deformed hand into my left pocket. We’ll talk more in the next post about this unwanted gift that we receive with a disability. Looking at things from a different perspective. Ron Breazeale via Psychology Today